What is normal in the church? Before I met my husband...

Before I continue my story on how I met my husband, I'd like to take (another) hiatus to discuss something. This "something" influences me deeply and is connected, in some way (albeit not happily) to my identity. This something has also been used by God to bring me where I am right now, with my husband.

First, a digression. There can often be an unspoken expectation that people in a Church are meant to be molded a certain way-and if you fall outside of bell curve for this “normalcy” you’re considered weird and ostracized at worst, or at best- very lonely. I hope my story can help some who feel this way feel a little less lonely. And further, I would expect that many others actually feel exactly this way, even those who put on the best shows of “normalcy.”

My Something:

I have asperers. There, I said it. In a two-fold world which is chaotically rampant with diagnoses, issues and problems too often diagnosed and too infrequently really treated, a world where it can be very socially dangerous to claim any sort of “disorder” here I am making such a claim. Once you’ve been labeled, people are often unable to see you in any context outside of this association. Suddenly the disorder becomes the lens through which everyone else sees you, your identity. This can be helpful- people will be more considerate and empathetic. This can also be obstructive…people may always see you this way and none other.  Think about it…you find out someone has schizophrenia or PTSD or severe anxiety…suddenly they are “That person.” The one you either avoid, watch from a distance with subtle curiosity, or overwhelmingly try to befriend and console for their poor sad predicament.  In a Christian environment it can oft be even more difficult to cope with labels, especially psychological ones… some Christians will simply deny they even exist! Others will insist that your only obstacle in life isn’t a disorder, but solely sin. While I am against using disorders to explain away every inept behavior…surely sin could be a reason for (rather than a reason against) the existence of such issues? It’s an imperfect world. There will be trouble. We can take heart that Christ has overcome this world. Likewise, we need to be realistic… we aren’t there yet. We will continue to struggle in our own ways. And for some of us, these issues aren’t ones which can be solved at all on this side of heaven.

Social

Aspergers… It’s mostly social, to be honest. For one, there is a huge discrepancy between my understanding of myself and how I am perceived by others. I suppose this can be true for most people, but allow me to explain. When I was a young child, I enjoyed playing alone. Up until the age of 10 I remember playing at recess (alone) pretending to be animals or fictional characters, and played out different scenarios with myself. When I came home from school I would play often play alone continuing these same scenarios, escaping into a magical world of my mental creation. Except I wasn’t “escaping” There wasn’t anything about the present world I disliked…I simply enjoyed creatively conjuring up these imaginary worlds more than playing with others. So I did so.

When I did interact with others, I remember being fairly clueless about what was the norm. I followed rules religiously, but was often very aloof in class. It wasn’t until my teen years that I actually looked back on when I was a child and felt truly embarrassed. Embarassed for being a 10 year old still playing alone, pretending to be animals. Embarassed that I didn’t have friends. Embarassed that I never knew people thought I was weird, because it had just never occurred to me. I went from being completely unaware of what people thought of me to overthinking what people must think of me.

Obsessions

Another thing about people with asperger’s…they tend to become really focused on specific things and nearly “obsess” over these things for a period of time. I believe these are often coping mechanisms…things which we do to calm and focus us.  When I was younger, these obsessions were manifested in my imaginary world. As I hit my teen years and went into university (and even yet to this day) these obsessions became studying. At this time I began to religiously study theology. I would pick different topics, study them intensely for months (or years) until I understand each side of a debate. To this day I still do the same.

Next topic regarding aspergers: social awkwardness!

People who have aspergers obviously have issues with social awkwardness. For many, it can be difficult to make eye contact, hold personal/subjective conversations, and read body language. I can attest that all of these are true. It doesn’t mean a person can never engage in these things- but the basics have to be learned. Thus, while I was in university one of my topics of “obsession” became people. One of my concentrations was psychology. I actually planned on being a counselor. While this may sound shocking for someone with a social “disorder” it’s actually logical, if you consider it. Psychology is enveloped in the study of people. In order for me to interact, I had to study people. I reckon that most of what I learned socially, I learned in this context. I learned how to read body language. I learned how to converse, how to manipulate a conversation, how to influence mood through tone, intonation, and rhythm.  I began to practice these things, and found myself having a lot of friends for the first time in my life. However, it became very overwhelming for me and I eventually had to cut it down to maintaining only a few friendships. For me, it was like I was acting 24/7. I am certainly introverted, which means I expend more energy with people than alone. Extend even further since whenever I am with people I am “making myself into someone” that I’m really not. Forcing myself to behave in ways I have observed to be socially acceptable…but which don’t’ necessarily always come naturally to me.

Fast forward… I graduated, finished my degree, and was preparing to consider going into ministry of some sort. Unfortunately, my desires and expectations for ministry quickly came to a hault after an experience which disheartened me enough to believe I would never be cut out for ministry. Long story short- I was involved in a church where I was expected to fulfill certain obligations (per my agreement), but desperately failed to meet their expectations.

Knowing what to expect

Another thing about aspergers- we thrive on rules/expectations. For someone with my perspective on life, it’s very important to know exactly what I am meant to do. I thrive on rules and direction. I thrive on knowing what is expected. Even now, in my job, when I am asked to do something, I make sure I ask a lot of questions to ensure I understand precisely what is desired, so I am sure not to misunderstand.

Unfortunately there was not a lot of direction. I, and the others working with me, were told what we needed to do most certainly. However, we were not told the specifics of what we must do. I remember being scolded a few times for not doing things a certain way- even though these specifics were not clarified in the beginning. This may not seem like such a big deal, it’s receiving correction, isn’t it? I think, for people with asperger’s, constructive criticism can be interpreted in one of two ways.

1.       It is someone showing appreciation for your effort, but asking if a few things could be changed next time, specifically showing details of what they want in the future.

2.       It is someone sharing their disappointment in you completely failing to do what they wished, as though you had expelled no effort at all. You failed. Utterly.

   
Detest heavy social interactionAnd yet another tidbit about aspergers- we detest spontaneous heavy social interaction. I think the biggest fear of an individual with aspergers would be dropping them in the middle of a social situation with no foresight of what to expect. One of the expectations in this ministry was that I would heavily involve myself socially with members and attenders. I probably should have had the foresight to realize this may happen, but I didn’t. In social conversations which involve small talk, I can usually last only a few minutes before I’m very anxious and exhausted. This may seem silly to on-lookers and readers…but think of it this way. Say you’re computer illiterate and suddenly your church throws you into a situation where you are expected to program a computer. You have the beginner’s guide to programming, but you are expected to create a new software program and you must do it NOW!

 Back to my story:  I was going through this period in ministry knowing full well that I wasn’t getting everthing right. I knew, by this point, that I wasn’t ever going to be one of the chatty church ladies who stays after church for 2 hours every Sunday, having a short conversation with everyone, and anticipating all needs. However, I was also proud of myself- I was really trying to be different. I was trying to be more involved, more social, trying to maintain friends, trying to reach out to people.  I was reading my bible every night, praying, I felt devoted to God, I wanted to be devoted to God, and I truly believed my experience was edifying for me both spiritually and socially.

And here is where the discrepancy lies once again. Remember I said people with asperger’s often have trouble with knowing whether self-perception is equivalent to how they are perceived?

Well, although I truly believed myself to be making progress (especially when you look back at my life!) I was essentially told that I should not have been involved in this ministry from the get-go, that the way I was as a person failed to be conducive to ministry. These things were said (For the most part) with grace and kindness…but said nonetheless. My world, at this point, shattered.

They probably saw:

1.       1. Someone who did not seem to make effort in building relationships with people

2.      2. Someone who did not involve herself in every ministry she could have

3.       3. Someone who seemed disinterested in the church and its ministry

4.       4. Someone who seemed to take for granted the privilege of serving in this ministry.

What I felt before this occurrence:

1.      1.  I was progressing in making friendships last. I had a few friends at the church who were my age, and I was feeling more comfortable making small talk after church services.

2.       2. I was involved in some ministries, but not all. For me this was a huge step- I need a lot of time alone to re-energize after I’ve had even minimal social interaction, since it would completely exhaust me.

3.       3. I felt, for the first time in years, in love with the church and its ministries.

4.       4. I was excited for the short  time I had served in this ministry, excited by the my personal progression, and hoped I would be able to stay so I could progress even more.

What I felt after this occurrence:

1.       1. Failure

2.       2. Failure

3.       3. Failure

4.       4. Failure

So where does this leave me now? Well I’m not a counselor, I’m a librarian and archivist (and I love it!). I enjoy making resources, I enjoy learning, and I enjoy sharing what I learn with others. (I’m fantastic with conversation about objective things, it’s the subjective conversation that kills me!).

What about socially and spiritually? Still progressing, I hope. I reckon part of this journey, for someone in my predicament, is to realize I should only care about what God’s perception is- no one else’s Not even the church’s. And how can I know God’s perception? His promises.

However, scripture is clear we do need the church and need fellowship of others to continue this journey most effectively.  I would sincerely hope that people in churches would consider this- just because someone doesn’t meet the “norms” in a church, does not at all mean they cannot be useful. Being in ministry does not require being a certain “social personality.”

My husband has found ways to encourage me in ministry. I use my love of intellectual studies and research to pass this information onto others in the church by creating resources (such as brochures on various topics I have studied). I use my love of organization and books to arrange the church library.

The end?

I’ve been sitting here for about 20 minutes trying to decide how I should end this short account. This story doesn’t end with me becoming very social once again, feeling comfortable in church, and feeling close to God as ever, unfortunately. It doesn’t even end with me embracing who I am and feeling comfortable in my own skin. Perhaps this is the best way to end it- awkwardly and incomplete. This is how I often feel, and how life, generally, is often lived. It’s not meant to be complete yet. There is a hope to come, of course. Already, but not yet. 

Transitive Inequalities; The secret mathematical answer to finding your spouse!!!

In a brief "pause" on my story, I would like to address the concept of dating vs. courtship vs. arranged marriage vs. mail-order bride vs... is there another option?

There is a major question that often looms in many singles' minds, and it certainly did in my mind, as they approach the dating-courting-arrangedmarriage-can-we-just-get-married-and-skip-all-this world. The question is: How? How do I do this, what's the best way?

What resources are out there?

Dating books. Self-help books. TV show like the bachelor and the bachelorette. Magazines, and seminars. These will all tell you how to get married...and how to do it successfully and QUICKLY. So what's the formula? How is it done? And... in most singles' minds...can you tell me this secret formula?!?!?

The headline to this blog is "transitive inequalities." In mathematics, transitive inequalities are formulas involving equal or inequal variables where there is a transitional relationship. Example- a>b b>c therefore, a>c. There are a whole load of other mathematics equations that I know very little about such as the quadratic formula ~ a+b=c. Or we could try the reflexive property of equality~ a=a.  So the practical application- which of these formulas has the answer??!

The Complex Formula 

Realistically, in the world of "singleness", neither of these formulas seems precisely adequate. In fact, I remember the "search for the one" being more like this: Trig class at Harvard, well-known Mathematical Genius Prof So-and-so places a long equation on the board. After writing for about 15 minutes straight in a font probably equivalent to font size 10 on MS Word (Times New Roman of course) he turns to the class. "Any of you who can solve this equation by the end of the semester, will get an automatic 'A' in the course... Oh, and... it's only been solved by two people in the last 100 years. And I'm one of them."

THAT'S what searching for a spouse seems like. The unattainable, impossible formula that you're expected to figure out in all its complexity, with every variable... You spend agonizing hours and days trying to figure out the "key" to this puzzle...while you watch your friends getting married left and right. But how can this be?!? Did they figure out the formula? Not likely. They probably just stuck out the course, paid attention, and did the hard work.

So in the face of an unanswerable question, many people try to utilize every option they can to find the "secret formula." Dating books are sought to find the "5 easy steps to getting married." In fact, I conducted search in Google and quickly found the wiki "11 Steps How to Find the Ideal Mate." Futhermore, online websites like eharmony will create an "ideal profile" for you (for the cost of at least $60) where you can be matched up with the PERFECT person for you, quickly and painlessly.

Marriage VS. Singleness, Which is the shinier trophy?

 

Compiled in this desire to have a spouse, I often found that me (and many people I knew) were quite fickle about whether "it was best" to be married or better to remain single. (I think that the moments I felt I would not meet a husband, I just resigned to singleness, almost to maintain some form of dignity, not because I wanted it). When I attended university there were primarily two positions regarding relationshps (at least as far as girls were concerned). One group often held "singleness" as a trophy above all their dating and married friends, seeing that this enabled them to do so much more for God. On the other side, the married folk held their marriage as a trophy, knowing that they had "solved the formula" and could serve God "together" - which is so much better than alone.

Focus on God + Not looking for Spouse = SPOUSE!

Christian men and women may try the resources mentioned above, but often I found that they primarily sought out two things- dating books by Christian authors, such as Joshua Harris'  I Kissed Dating Goodbye, or they tried to "live more spirituality" believing that if they just "stop looking for a spouse" God will bring one right to their door. Matt Chander comedically comments on the latter (regarding women) saying that often they focusing on God while sneaking peeks out their peripheral looking for God to bring the one. Like if you pretend to be content in God, he will send you a spouse, since they are after all following the quadratic formula (Focus on God) + (No looking for spouse) = SPOUSE! - Watch here:

There are such a plethora of resources available for singles, and I haven't even covered the tip of the iceberg! The point is this- people want to get married, they want to know how, so they find themselves searching and searching for the secret formula of SUCCESS. And without further ado- the transitive-inequality "formula":

The TRANSITIVE-Inequality "Formula" 

Transitive- He is changing, She is changing, Life is changing

Transitive is a word used both for math terms, and in English Grammar. In grammar a transitive verb refers to one that requires a direct object.For example: the verb sanctify. "I sanctify" isn't a sentence. It requires an answer to- I sanctify...what? So here is the first part of our formula for the perfect spouse- God sanctifies us. It's a transitional statement. This means we are not staying the same. If we are reconciled to God via the blood of Christ on the cross, we are ever changing. Our sinful selves are dying more, and our love for and service toward God is growing more.

What does that have to do with dating? Well two things- first, focus needs to be laid upon Christ. For it is only through Him that one can be any sort of "decent" potential spouse for another person. And this is incredibly true after marriage too! Second, we need to realize we will never find "the perfect spouse." There are simply other sinners like us, reconciled to God, being sanctified. No perfect ones.

Change & contentment

The second point I'd like to loosely make regarding "transition and change" is the importance of contentment. Not contentment in being single. Not contentment in being married. But contentment in Christ, in all situations. This doesn't mean you have to be happy with your situation and circumstances, whether they are constantly changing or not. But you can be content in the Lord. The idea that you need to be totally content with a part of life before God can bring change is silly (i.e. the idea that you must be content in singleness before God will bring you a spouse). Do we do that with any other area of life?? Do you wait for contentment in "joblessness" before you search for a job? I should hope not.

Inequality, are romance stories are all unique

On to the second part of the formula: inequalities. Now, rather than address a hierarchical analogy here, I'd like to consider inequality to mean "not-the-same." We need to remember, NONE of us are the same. Me and my husband, not the same. You readers, not the same. None of us is absolutely the same, and therefore (secret revealed) there is no ONE specific formula that will definitely give us a spouse. Some of you may meet your spouse when you're soaring with God, feeling closer to him than ever totally satisfied in your singleness. Then suddenly one day, God will "drop" a spouse on your doorstep. Others of you may find a spouse when you're in a darker time, and someone comes along who assists you and encourages you. Still others may find a spouse online, at work, or in a church.

Who knows, some may find their spouse in the rain, on a train, in a tree, do you see? There is no formula, that's what I'm saying. No really listen, I'm not playing.

The NON-Formula

1. God sanctifies, and we are ever-changing. We should continue changing, and realize that the people we meet (if they are Christ's) they are ever-changing too!

2. We are all different, all unique. The way and manner in which we meet our spouses will all be different. There is not any "absolute formula" that guarantees you will find a spouse. This shouldn't be a surprise- nowhere have we been told in scripture that the providence of God will be revealed or "controlled" if we behave a certain way.

How does this help? You wasted my time!

So how does this help us? What was the point of this whole blog entry- to simply say "Sorry can't be done." Should we just all give up?

Not give up, no. Seek God, for it is he who sanctifies. And, realize that all are unique. What may work for one couple may not work for another. Be active in looking for a spouse, but don't be "expectant" of God to bow to your whim. Be open to God working in various ways, but don't expect things to work a specific way, just because a book, seminar, counselor, online article, or friend told you it worked for them. Do the hard work of the course...focus on living your life. Focus on living it for Christ. But don't think that doing either of those will automatically equal a spouse at a certain time. Also, don't hold marriage on a pedestal, don't hold singleness on a pedestal. Both are gifts, yes, most certainly. But neither are the prize, Christ is and always will be.

Furthermore,  I would like to add, echoing Matt Chandler, it is ok to want a spouse. There is nothing with that. You don't need to try to "Become content in singleness" before God will bring you a spouse. We are not meant to be content in singleness, and we are not really meant to be content in marriage either. We are meant to be content in Christ. 

Whom have I in heaven but you? And there's nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but you are my strength and my portion forevermore. Psalm 73:25-26

This may sound like I'm being simplistic. But it's simply quite true. Easy? No. True? Yes. I can vouch for a difficult journey myself, with much pain from bad relationships. While I can no longer "relate" since I'm not single, I'm sure many who read this could.

Comment to win a book:

So for the close of this blog, I'd like to ask all the married people out there to throw out some advice/thoughts- how did you meet your spouse? What helped or didn't help you? And for the single- what do you find most frustrating about your "search" and what advice do you have for fellow singles?

Also, while I did comment on "dating" and "marriage"  books as not being formulaic, I do concede that there are many Christian books which are incredibly helpful, both in the search for marriage and after marriage in assisting the couples and/or individuals in their spiritual walk and journey (whether they are "searching" or not. If you have a recommendation, please give it here. PS, this recommendation doesn't HAVE to be a "dating" or "marriage" book. It could also be one that was/is just especially helpful for you in singleness, dating, or marriage as you walk with Christ :)

Please try to respond to this post here (and not on facebook or other sites). My next post will include reference to a drawing. The names shall be taken from the comments on this post and the next one, and the winner shall receive a book (of their choice), most likely one of the ones mentioned and recommended by those who comment here.

It's not you, it's me... and that other girl I really like instead.

In the summer of 2003 my church youth group took a trip down to Reynosa Mexico, to assist a growing church. We drove all the way down from Minnesota until we got to Mexico. Reynosa was just over the border. I was joined by my best friend Ella, Mr. First-Love, and a few other friends from our youth group. We were accompanied by a few other churches in the midwest area. 

Mexico is hot...really hot. If you choose to go to Mexico, please drink lots of water.

Do NOT get dehydrated in Mexico. I did, and it wasn't pleasant. Under nearly 100 degree weather on a daily basis, I became quite dehydrated and ill. I was rushed to the hospital by my youth pastor, who consequently spoke no Spanish. At the time, neither did I. So he had conceded on my behalf to let the doctor give me a shot. However, this wasn't a shot in the arm, but in the butt!! It was my first and last time to ever get a shot there, and it wasn't pleasant. And this was just the start of a pretty drama-filled week.

But first, on a pleasant note- I'll discuss the ministry in Mexico.

The church was beautiful, and the members love for God was convicting and astounding to us all. They didn't have a church building, but we were helping them build and prepare a building to become their new official home. For the time being, they all met under a huge pavillion outside. Every morning they met at 4:30AM for an hour of prayer and worship. They had multiple services during the week, and always seemed to be in very high spirits. This group of people did NOT have very much, materially-speaking. Many of them lived in small homes that resembled sheds, with multiple people sleeping in the same room. Reynosa was generally known for its poverty, and these people were not an exception. But their love for Christ, that was exceptional.

While I admired the passion and love these people exhibited for God and one-another, I was  bit distracted at the time. Mr. First-Love and I had not been getting along very well. He had just finished his senior year in high school, and summer was nearing its end. He had been accepted into the "Honor Academy" in Texas. This was a sort of discipleship school connected with the same organization that did the Acquire the Fire conferences. During his first year there, he would not be allowed to date. This was yet another obstacle in the road for us, and seemed to be the final one.

In MExico, Mr. First-Love was very distant from me. I had suspected that he was developing feelings for my best friend Ella, but she denied even the possibility. She, in fact, had begun to crush on another guy who came with us, from another church. Throughout the trip, Mr. First-Love continued to ignore me and pay great attention to Ella, which caused a lot of drama. At one point, I was alone with Ella and expressed to her how hurt I was that Mr. First-Love was blowing me off. She thought I was being silly, and I explained that it was pretty clear that Mr. First-Love was now interested in her instead of me. Upset by that notion, she proceeded to avoid me for a couple of days. (Oh the joys of high school drama).


We ended up making up, but I always suspected that Mr. First-Love liked Ella. He and I just became more and more distant, until he finally left for Texas at the end of the summer. After he left, I received a call from Ella. She asked me if we could meet and talk about something. When we met, Ella told me about a letter she had received, from Mr. First-Love. In this letter he expressed his strong feelings for her, coupled with his knowledge that they couldn't date since he was going to the honor academy (and thus, not allowed to do so). He didn't know what her plans for or where she would be in the next year, but if she was willing and interested, he would wait for her.

Well, she wasn't interested. And she didn't wait for him, but that did become the "nail in the coffin" for Mr. First-Love and I. It was clearly over before it had begun. Too add insult to injury, a job I was going to have starting during the next school year fell through. I had to quickly find another job (lest I drive myself crazy thinking only about Mr. First-Love every day after school. At this time, Mr. MN-Nice came to my rescue. Although our friendship was a bit strange (since he had only served as a third wheel for Mr. First-Love and I), he was a very loyal person, and helped me find a different job before school began.

Thus began the next chapter in my story... Third Wheel becomes the Second.

To read the next chapter, please contribute to the conversation in the previous entry :)

No dating for a year, unless you fall in love.

Recap: Mr. First-Love and I were fast approaching my sweet sixteen, allowing me to FINALLY date him. But, alas- we both signed a "vow" at a youth conference where we declared an intention to only date God for a year.

So there it was. No relationship, not going to happen. At least not any time soon. I can't speak for him, but I know that in my mind I was hoping that we would both wait for each other through the year. After all, we had waited this long, right?

As a youth group, we were asked by our church to give a short presentation about our experiences at the youth conference. Each of us were asked if we were willing to say a few words at the beginning or end of a Sunday morning service. I'm not too keen on public-speaking, but I reluctantly agreed.

Then came that Sunday morning... I may have been the last to speak, I can't recall. But I certainly wasn't the first. The wait was horrifying, it reminded me of high school class when we were required to give a presentation. It was always best to go first, because if you were last you had to wait through everyone else's presentation in complete anxiety. Also, as time wore on, speakers were expected to improve, since they were privy to all of the constructive criticism given to previous speakers.

I listened as each of my friends gave their speech, and then it was my turn. I walked up to the microphone and explained my vow to "not date" for a year. I brought the story back to a day in December when I was working at Dairy Queen and saw one of my co-workers reading the well-known book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." I was intrigued and began to read it myself. In the book the author Joshua Harris told the story of his singleness, and gave encouragement to other young singles to serve God while they "waited" for marriage. One of the main points he set forth, was the idea that dating should not be embarked upon, until the possibility of marriage is in the horizon. Otherwise, what's the point?

Then I explained to the church how I had gone to the winter camp youth retreat a few weeks later, and heard a chapel speaker preach about a similar subject. The gist of his sermon was that idols are all over the place, and can easily distract us from seeking God with our whole hearts. He encouraged us all to "put off our idols" and seek God instead- he specifically mentioned a few idols that are common in young people our age~ gaming, friends, and boyfriends/girlfriends.

That was the second time I had felt as though I should not be dating anytime soon, but I was far too interested in Mr. First-Love to seriously consider it. The final time, was at the Acquire the Fire conference. At this conference, I explained, we were all encouraged to stand and take a vow to abstain from "dating" for an entire year. I had participated in this promise and I asked the church to pray for, support me, and hold me accountable in this area.

This "speech" that I gave is recorded somewhere, I wish I could find it, If I do, I will post it :)

So Mr. First-Love and I waited the entire year, just devoting ourselves to the Lord every single day, and a year later rode off into the sunset together, content with our strong discipline and patience.

Kidding.

Unfortunately, our "youthful affections" did not submit to our promise to only date God for a year. As soon as I turned 16, Mr. First-Love and I found ways to spend time together without calling it "dating." In fact, we never did "date" or even go on a real date, strictly-speaking. But we eagerly searched for loop holes.

Around this time, Mr. First-Love invited a new friend to attend our youth group meetings. We'll call him Mr. Minnesota-Nice. Where does this name come from, you ask? Well, even if you didn't- I'll tell you. Mr. Minnesota-Nice and I had a disagreement one afternoon where he ADAMENTLY asserted that people in Minnesota are known for their niceties. He ascertained that Minnesota drivers, shoppers, and neighbors are generally friendly people. I thought this was an absurd notion. While people in smaller cities/towns may come across as "nicer," people in Minnesota, especially Minneapolis (I argued), would NOT fit that bill. But to be fair, if anyone would fit the description of "Minnesota Nice," Mr. MN-Nice would qualify. While he was a bit ignorant and dubious at times, I can't recall that he ever did or said an unkind thing toward me. But more on him later.

This friend of Mr First-Love became our "golden ticket" to dating. I quickly became friends with Mr. MN-Nice, and he, Mr. First-Love, and I spent day after day "hanging out." And by "hanging out" it generally consisted of Mr. First-Love and I being "ooey gooey" with each other, acting completely like a couple, while Mr. MN-Nice was the obvious third wheel. We would even use Mr. MN-Nice's house as our "hang out point."

Mr. First-Love and I kept this going for a few months. One time we were being ooey gooey in front of another friend, and she referred to us as a couple. We denied being a couple (after all, we had made a promise not to do that for a year), and then we were asked about our behavior. After all, it did seem VERY "couple-ish."Mr. First-Love defended our behavior, asserting that it was okay because "we were in love."

However, this "love" wasn't very long-lasting. The next summer all things would come to an end on a youth group trip to Mexico.

Rabbit trail: I want to take a moment before moving onto the next entry, to spark a bit of conversation. What do you all think about the idea of taking a year off of dating? Wise? Unwise? Just asking for trouble? I've always found that if we think we "Can't" have something. It makes us want it all the more. I wonder if I hadn't signed that contract, whether Mr. First-Love and I would have desired to date so badly anyway. Of course, the fault is sinfulness, that's just the way we are as humans- constantly after idols.

That leads to my next question- should we really "cut ourselves off" from anything that becomes an idol? I mentioned in my previous entry that if I really tried to cut myself off from every idol, I would probably find myself in a cave with nothing. We, as people, have hearts that are "idol factories", as John Calvin put it. However, can this be taken too far? Should the potential for something to become an idol be grounds for us to renounce it? How do we do so without branching into asceticism?

Mr. First-Love, Time to date, Time to wait.

I first received the infamous "TALK" when I was 7, nearly 8 years old. I remember sitting at the breakfast table at our old house in Minnesota with my sister Katy. Emily, the third girl in our clan, had just been born. I, in my normal blunt way, expressed that I never wanted to get married.

"Why?" my mom asked.
"Because when you get married, you have kids."

My mom laughed and said, well it doesn't work quite like that. It's not so automatic. You get married, and then you can choose to have kids.

I was confused.

"But you and dad got married...and then you had kids! Marriage= kids. And I don't want kids...so no marriage"
 "No... you have kids after you are more physical with each other. Like hugging, but more."
"I'm going to have kids if I HUG someone?!?!?"

And, per my usual self, I wouldn't let it go. This ended with my mom taking me privately into my room with a book (probably "How to talk to your kids about the birds and the bees" but I'm not quite sure). There she proceeded to tell me how men and women make babies. I was disgusted.

"So this is how you and dad got me?"
"Yep."
"And Katy?"
"And Katy."
"And Emily?"
"Right."
"Can't you stop! I never want to have kids. And I DEFINITELY never want do THAT. SO GROSS!"

And that was that.  Seven years later I was fifteen, and apparently not much had changed. My parents had a rule in our household: no dating until you are sixteen. I was due to be sixteen in nine months, which wasn't satisfying my current huge crush on Mr. First-Love.

He and I had escalated from talking occasionally at youth group, to talking quite frequently on AOL messenger (via dial-up, pre WIFI days!), and he had begun to call me at home. He had called me at home, like usual, and we discussed our day, had a few silly conversations, and he mentioned that he was attending a youth group event (not with our church) which was a sort of all-nighter. The group was meeting together for a hay-ride, spending time playing games together, and ending with the girls spending the night at a lady's house (from the group) while the guys would stay with a guy from the group. I pleaded with my mom to allow me to go, but she saw that it seemed to be an excuse to get around our "dating rule." She also mentioned that since she didn't know that group, it hardly seemed appropriate. I interpreted this to mean she didn't trust me. In a moment of rebellion and angst, I shouted at her "MOM I don't know if I EVER want to be intimate with a guy...I'm surely NOT going to start NOW!!" ...the idea of physical intimacy still kinda freaked me out...apparently not much had changed after all!

Needless to say, that did not change her mind. I can't remember the outcome, but I was probably grounded. Wouldn't surprise me. Not an uncommon consequence for me during my teenage years.

Mr. First-Love and I continued to talk quite frequently through the next few months. If I remember correctly, he may have had some other lady interests as well during that time, but we both mutually liked each other a lot. And the day that I would become "available" (i.e., allowed to date) was fast-approaching.

Come February, one month before I was to turn sixteen, my youth group and I attended a nation-wide event called "Acquire the Fire." You may have heard of it, I think they are still doing tours/events throughout the year. The event consisted of a few bible messages, dramas, videos, and worship time. One of the speakers was talking about putting God first above everything.

My teen years (in fact around this time) were the first time I REALLY began to drink in God's Word and desire to live for him, so this message gripped me quite well. The speaker was encouraging us all to read God's word, pray, and make sure we didn't let our other interests and desires distract us. One of the main distractions he was focusing on, was relationships. Not only could they be distracting in possibly leading to physical impurity, they also distracted us mentally, emotionally, and spiritually from focusing on God. He had us open our program books to a certificate with a challenge attached. He challenged everyone in the room, all of the thousands of teenagers, to consider "dating only God" for a year, and abstaining from any romantic relationships.

Side bar: Years after all of this took place, I began to wonder if such a challenge was really wise. On one hand, I can understand why this could be helpful- a sort of "fast" from dating, if you will. On the other side of things, it gives the general impression (at least it did to me) that there is something inherently "wrong" with relationships (dating , courting, whatever you'd like to call it). It also indicated that if you don't date, you will grow closer to God. I also struggled a lot during those years with thinking if anything distracted you from God, you needed to cut it out. However, if I really did that, I'd be likely living in a cave on my own with no food, friends, or possessions (well maybe an iphone...but probably not). I have come to believe that it's not a question of whether the "things themselves" are inherently bad, but instead a question of whether they are used to glorify God. Perhaps that's the message the speaker was trying to get at, what do you think- is this a good idea or bad?

Side bar over, back to the story.

So the speaker instructed us all to close our eyes and pray about it. And if we felt that God really wanted us to take this year off of dating, and spend it with him instead, we should quietly stand. 90% of the room stood, and we all opened our eyes. I was one of the people standing. I looked over and saw Mr. First-Love; he was standing too. Well, so much for that. One month before I turned sixteen...and now we have to wait another year?

But the story isn't finished yet. Ten more comments and I will continue!!!

Remember when I asked you out? Sorry, I was kidding...

Fall 2002:

But first, a recap~
About to enter into my freshman year at high school, this was the third year of "new" experiences for me. In 2000 I moved from elementary (primary) school to middle school. I moved from attending classes all day with one teacher, to attending seven classes a day with various teachers all over a giant school building (mimicking a prison...I sure felt imprisoned everyday). Then my family and I moved from Roseville, MN to Anoka, MN in the summer of 2001, and I entered 8th grade as a newbie at another school (a little less prison-like). I quickly became friends with a girl I also attended church with, Carli. Her and I involved ourselves in lots of mischief, including passing notes during and in-between classes (oh, the pre-cell phone days). We were both interested in the same boy, the youth pastor's son. Our friendship nearly came to an end when he and I began dating.

And by dating, yes I do mean avoiding each other in public, exchanging gushy notes in private, and sending the occasional e-mail. Middle school  was very romantic. My relationship with Mr. Youth Pastor Jr. abruptly came to an end when I received a note one day saying 
"Remember when I asked you out? Sorry, I was kidding." complete with smiley face sticker in the corner and another note "Sorry about the sticker. Was already on the paper, couldn't get off."

Fast forward to 2002, and once again I was journeying into another "first" as I attended high school for the first time. This giant school, the third largest (if I remember correctly) in the state had over 3,000 students in attendance. This coronation into young adulthood also included a major change at my church~ I had moved from the smelly middle school youth group section, to the "cool" high school group, drama and all.

Unlike middle school, these people were border-line adults, most of them at least a year  or two older than me and all of them far more mature. I have always looked considerably younger than I am... in fact, when I was 21 I did an internship at a youth center (with 12 and 13 year olds). One of the ladies who worked there didn't recognize me, and assumed I was a new kid. She ordered me to join the kids for lunch one day (and I almost obliged) until I realized that she thought I was a kid. I promptly told her I was not, much to both our embarassment. But I digress, what is true now was even more obvious when I was a freshman in high school. Not only was I the youngest in the group of 14-18 year olds, I also looked like I was 10-12.

During this time, something unexpected happened. One of the older boys in the group started giving me more attention, teasing me and behaving in a playful manner. It became clear that this boy had something of a crush on me, which was very confusing for me. In middle school, if a boy liked a girl he usually tried to annoy her. This boy, however, was being playful in a nicer way. I dared to realize it...he was flirting with me!!

This is where my "interpretive lens" biases me during the retelling of my story. Reflecting back, I can see how my social anxiety and occasional social obliviousness played into my experience. When this boy, Mr. First-Love, flirted with me it often confused me. I had never interacted with someone in a really flirty way before. Also, whenever I was approached in any sort of physical manner (even hugging) my instinct was to withdraw. I was told by my mother that I was the same way as a little kid (very resistant against hugging and cuddling). These sorts of interactions (both the physical intimacy and the flirting) were something I had to learn over time. As I learned, by observation, how people conducted themselves in these situations, I became more comfortable with implementing them.

Mr. F-L and I grew into a friendship and a semi-sort of relationship. He was probably the closest thing I had to a high school "sweet heart" and to this day we are still friends. The next portion of the story will cover that story in more detail...

Once I get a total of 10 comments on any of the preceeding 4 stories, I will write the next portion :)

Sorry New York, it's not you- it's me...

As I said, things were going well, I was (so I thought) walking close with God, making friends, and trying to grow in ministry.

The week for youth camp was approaching, but I was unable to get it off from my part-time job. Since I was planning to stay beyond the summer, I didn't want to cause a ruckus at my job, and the pastor had previously informed me that the youth camp was optional so I declined to attend.

The second week of August, I had to move out of the house I had been living in, since they were expecting family guests to arrive. I couldn't move in with the Nelsons for another week, so I was asked to live with another lady named Cherice, for the interim week. Cherice lived alone in an apartment not far from where I had been staying. She was a nice enough person, but I got the impression she didn't like me. I didn't attend the Eastwater campus with her, so I didn't know her very well. I tried to get to know her a bit, but she was usually quite short with me in conversations, so I gave up.

Five days went by, and I came home from work one afternoon (after having virtually no sleep the night before). Cherice told me the pastor had called for me, and handed me her landline phone. Although exhausted, I called the pastor who promptly told me that a secret elder's meeting had just taken place. Cherice had called the pastor and expressed that she felt I was a terrible room mate and shouldn't be allowed to live with the Nelsons. In response, the pastor and the elders had a meeting and decided that they agreed. He told me that I was not allowed to live with them and I should make other plans. It was pretty clear that they were hoping I would leave New York. I hung up the phone in absolute shock. I didn't know how to feel... I just felt as though I was falling. I was confused, perplexed, mystified, hurt, sad, and a whole plethora of emotions. I left the room in tears and asked Cherice to talk to me. I could barely get her to talk to me, but she essentially surmised that I was not the kind of person they wanted to do ministry at their church.

To her credit, she tried to help me apply to a christian university in New York, so I could continue my counseling degree plan in NY.  But when I thought about it, I realized that I still had acceptance at the university from my my previous university's counseling program. I figured it was logical to just leave, especially since it was clear people wanted me to do so. I figured I could transfer with my job, and leave as soon as possible. Some friends from the university offered to let me stay with them until I found a place to live, but the offer wasn't available for two more weeks. I told Cherice that I was going to put in for transfer at my job and move back to Michigan. I told her I had a place to stay in two weeks, and she concurred that it was the best course of action for me.

That evening I met up with the friends I had made at the beginning of the summer (from the church). They expressed disapproval over the church's actions, and also advised me on how I might have better handled the situation. They were very encouraging and helpful, comforting me. When I got back to Cherice's that night, I found a note waiting for me. Unsurprised, I read the note which stated she had called the pastor and they had mutually agreed that I was no longer welcome to live with her. I was expected to vacate by the next day. So there I was, abandoned by the church because I was not "suitable"- didn't have the right personality, wasn't family-oriented enough, and the very church who accused me of these things was throwing me out on the street for two weeks.

I had made a few friends at Barnes and Noble in Manhattan, so I contacted a few of them. My friend (nonchristian friend) Betty offered to let me stay with her in Manhattan for the two weeks. She already had another mutual friend of ours, Jared, sleeping on her couch. She told me that she also had a cot if I didn't mind. I gladly accepted the offer, and moved to Manhattan the next day.

These were the most confusing and depressing days of my life. I had grown up wanting to do ministry. Before I arrived in New York I had grown a lot socially and spiritually. I had never felt closer to God before. And there I was, wanting to be accepted by a church who was very "family oriented" who had, for all intent & purposes, thrown me out. And there I was, living by the hospitality of an atheist and an agnostic.

These events caused my life to take a drastic turn. I moved back to Michigan, fell into a whirlwind of depression, changed my career-course, and finally left the country. But before I go into that, the New York experience gave me a better understanding of myself, and helped understand myself and understand how God had made me. For that, I go back to the beginning- 2002, age 15.
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