Transitive Inequalities; The secret mathematical answer to finding your spouse!!!

In a brief "pause" on my story, I would like to address the concept of dating vs. courtship vs. arranged marriage vs. mail-order bride vs... is there another option?

There is a major question that often looms in many singles' minds, and it certainly did in my mind, as they approach the dating-courting-arrangedmarriage-can-we-just-get-married-and-skip-all-this world. The question is: How? How do I do this, what's the best way?

What resources are out there?

Dating books. Self-help books. TV show like the bachelor and the bachelorette. Magazines, and seminars. These will all tell you how to get married...and how to do it successfully and QUICKLY. So what's the formula? How is it done? And... in most singles' minds...can you tell me this secret formula?!?!?

The headline to this blog is "transitive inequalities." In mathematics, transitive inequalities are formulas involving equal or inequal variables where there is a transitional relationship. Example- a>b b>c therefore, a>c. There are a whole load of other mathematics equations that I know very little about such as the quadratic formula ~ a+b=c. Or we could try the reflexive property of equality~ a=a.  So the practical application- which of these formulas has the answer??!

The Complex Formula 

Realistically, in the world of "singleness", neither of these formulas seems precisely adequate. In fact, I remember the "search for the one" being more like this: Trig class at Harvard, well-known Mathematical Genius Prof So-and-so places a long equation on the board. After writing for about 15 minutes straight in a font probably equivalent to font size 10 on MS Word (Times New Roman of course) he turns to the class. "Any of you who can solve this equation by the end of the semester, will get an automatic 'A' in the course... Oh, and... it's only been solved by two people in the last 100 years. And I'm one of them."

THAT'S what searching for a spouse seems like. The unattainable, impossible formula that you're expected to figure out in all its complexity, with every variable... You spend agonizing hours and days trying to figure out the "key" to this puzzle...while you watch your friends getting married left and right. But how can this be?!? Did they figure out the formula? Not likely. They probably just stuck out the course, paid attention, and did the hard work.

So in the face of an unanswerable question, many people try to utilize every option they can to find the "secret formula." Dating books are sought to find the "5 easy steps to getting married." In fact, I conducted search in Google and quickly found the wiki "11 Steps How to Find the Ideal Mate." Futhermore, online websites like eharmony will create an "ideal profile" for you (for the cost of at least $60) where you can be matched up with the PERFECT person for you, quickly and painlessly.

Marriage VS. Singleness, Which is the shinier trophy?

 

Compiled in this desire to have a spouse, I often found that me (and many people I knew) were quite fickle about whether "it was best" to be married or better to remain single. (I think that the moments I felt I would not meet a husband, I just resigned to singleness, almost to maintain some form of dignity, not because I wanted it). When I attended university there were primarily two positions regarding relationshps (at least as far as girls were concerned). One group often held "singleness" as a trophy above all their dating and married friends, seeing that this enabled them to do so much more for God. On the other side, the married folk held their marriage as a trophy, knowing that they had "solved the formula" and could serve God "together" - which is so much better than alone.

Focus on God + Not looking for Spouse = SPOUSE!

Christian men and women may try the resources mentioned above, but often I found that they primarily sought out two things- dating books by Christian authors, such as Joshua Harris'  I Kissed Dating Goodbye, or they tried to "live more spirituality" believing that if they just "stop looking for a spouse" God will bring one right to their door. Matt Chander comedically comments on the latter (regarding women) saying that often they focusing on God while sneaking peeks out their peripheral looking for God to bring the one. Like if you pretend to be content in God, he will send you a spouse, since they are after all following the quadratic formula (Focus on God) + (No looking for spouse) = SPOUSE! - Watch here:

There are such a plethora of resources available for singles, and I haven't even covered the tip of the iceberg! The point is this- people want to get married, they want to know how, so they find themselves searching and searching for the secret formula of SUCCESS. And without further ado- the transitive-inequality "formula":

The TRANSITIVE-Inequality "Formula" 

Transitive- He is changing, She is changing, Life is changing

Transitive is a word used both for math terms, and in English Grammar. In grammar a transitive verb refers to one that requires a direct object.For example: the verb sanctify. "I sanctify" isn't a sentence. It requires an answer to- I sanctify...what? So here is the first part of our formula for the perfect spouse- God sanctifies us. It's a transitional statement. This means we are not staying the same. If we are reconciled to God via the blood of Christ on the cross, we are ever changing. Our sinful selves are dying more, and our love for and service toward God is growing more.

What does that have to do with dating? Well two things- first, focus needs to be laid upon Christ. For it is only through Him that one can be any sort of "decent" potential spouse for another person. And this is incredibly true after marriage too! Second, we need to realize we will never find "the perfect spouse." There are simply other sinners like us, reconciled to God, being sanctified. No perfect ones.

Change & contentment

The second point I'd like to loosely make regarding "transition and change" is the importance of contentment. Not contentment in being single. Not contentment in being married. But contentment in Christ, in all situations. This doesn't mean you have to be happy with your situation and circumstances, whether they are constantly changing or not. But you can be content in the Lord. The idea that you need to be totally content with a part of life before God can bring change is silly (i.e. the idea that you must be content in singleness before God will bring you a spouse). Do we do that with any other area of life?? Do you wait for contentment in "joblessness" before you search for a job? I should hope not.

Inequality, are romance stories are all unique

On to the second part of the formula: inequalities. Now, rather than address a hierarchical analogy here, I'd like to consider inequality to mean "not-the-same." We need to remember, NONE of us are the same. Me and my husband, not the same. You readers, not the same. None of us is absolutely the same, and therefore (secret revealed) there is no ONE specific formula that will definitely give us a spouse. Some of you may meet your spouse when you're soaring with God, feeling closer to him than ever totally satisfied in your singleness. Then suddenly one day, God will "drop" a spouse on your doorstep. Others of you may find a spouse when you're in a darker time, and someone comes along who assists you and encourages you. Still others may find a spouse online, at work, or in a church.

Who knows, some may find their spouse in the rain, on a train, in a tree, do you see? There is no formula, that's what I'm saying. No really listen, I'm not playing.

The NON-Formula

1. God sanctifies, and we are ever-changing. We should continue changing, and realize that the people we meet (if they are Christ's) they are ever-changing too!

2. We are all different, all unique. The way and manner in which we meet our spouses will all be different. There is not any "absolute formula" that guarantees you will find a spouse. This shouldn't be a surprise- nowhere have we been told in scripture that the providence of God will be revealed or "controlled" if we behave a certain way.

How does this help? You wasted my time!

So how does this help us? What was the point of this whole blog entry- to simply say "Sorry can't be done." Should we just all give up?

Not give up, no. Seek God, for it is he who sanctifies. And, realize that all are unique. What may work for one couple may not work for another. Be active in looking for a spouse, but don't be "expectant" of God to bow to your whim. Be open to God working in various ways, but don't expect things to work a specific way, just because a book, seminar, counselor, online article, or friend told you it worked for them. Do the hard work of the course...focus on living your life. Focus on living it for Christ. But don't think that doing either of those will automatically equal a spouse at a certain time. Also, don't hold marriage on a pedestal, don't hold singleness on a pedestal. Both are gifts, yes, most certainly. But neither are the prize, Christ is and always will be.

Furthermore,  I would like to add, echoing Matt Chandler, it is ok to want a spouse. There is nothing with that. You don't need to try to "Become content in singleness" before God will bring you a spouse. We are not meant to be content in singleness, and we are not really meant to be content in marriage either. We are meant to be content in Christ. 

Whom have I in heaven but you? And there's nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but you are my strength and my portion forevermore. Psalm 73:25-26

This may sound like I'm being simplistic. But it's simply quite true. Easy? No. True? Yes. I can vouch for a difficult journey myself, with much pain from bad relationships. While I can no longer "relate" since I'm not single, I'm sure many who read this could.

Comment to win a book:

So for the close of this blog, I'd like to ask all the married people out there to throw out some advice/thoughts- how did you meet your spouse? What helped or didn't help you? And for the single- what do you find most frustrating about your "search" and what advice do you have for fellow singles?

Also, while I did comment on "dating" and "marriage"  books as not being formulaic, I do concede that there are many Christian books which are incredibly helpful, both in the search for marriage and after marriage in assisting the couples and/or individuals in their spiritual walk and journey (whether they are "searching" or not. If you have a recommendation, please give it here. PS, this recommendation doesn't HAVE to be a "dating" or "marriage" book. It could also be one that was/is just especially helpful for you in singleness, dating, or marriage as you walk with Christ :)

Please try to respond to this post here (and not on facebook or other sites). My next post will include reference to a drawing. The names shall be taken from the comments on this post and the next one, and the winner shall receive a book (of their choice), most likely one of the ones mentioned and recommended by those who comment here.

It's not you, it's me... and that other girl I really like instead.

In the summer of 2003 my church youth group took a trip down to Reynosa Mexico, to assist a growing church. We drove all the way down from Minnesota until we got to Mexico. Reynosa was just over the border. I was joined by my best friend Ella, Mr. First-Love, and a few other friends from our youth group. We were accompanied by a few other churches in the midwest area. 

Mexico is hot...really hot. If you choose to go to Mexico, please drink lots of water.

Do NOT get dehydrated in Mexico. I did, and it wasn't pleasant. Under nearly 100 degree weather on a daily basis, I became quite dehydrated and ill. I was rushed to the hospital by my youth pastor, who consequently spoke no Spanish. At the time, neither did I. So he had conceded on my behalf to let the doctor give me a shot. However, this wasn't a shot in the arm, but in the butt!! It was my first and last time to ever get a shot there, and it wasn't pleasant. And this was just the start of a pretty drama-filled week.

But first, on a pleasant note- I'll discuss the ministry in Mexico.

The church was beautiful, and the members love for God was convicting and astounding to us all. They didn't have a church building, but we were helping them build and prepare a building to become their new official home. For the time being, they all met under a huge pavillion outside. Every morning they met at 4:30AM for an hour of prayer and worship. They had multiple services during the week, and always seemed to be in very high spirits. This group of people did NOT have very much, materially-speaking. Many of them lived in small homes that resembled sheds, with multiple people sleeping in the same room. Reynosa was generally known for its poverty, and these people were not an exception. But their love for Christ, that was exceptional.

While I admired the passion and love these people exhibited for God and one-another, I was  bit distracted at the time. Mr. First-Love and I had not been getting along very well. He had just finished his senior year in high school, and summer was nearing its end. He had been accepted into the "Honor Academy" in Texas. This was a sort of discipleship school connected with the same organization that did the Acquire the Fire conferences. During his first year there, he would not be allowed to date. This was yet another obstacle in the road for us, and seemed to be the final one.

In MExico, Mr. First-Love was very distant from me. I had suspected that he was developing feelings for my best friend Ella, but she denied even the possibility. She, in fact, had begun to crush on another guy who came with us, from another church. Throughout the trip, Mr. First-Love continued to ignore me and pay great attention to Ella, which caused a lot of drama. At one point, I was alone with Ella and expressed to her how hurt I was that Mr. First-Love was blowing me off. She thought I was being silly, and I explained that it was pretty clear that Mr. First-Love was now interested in her instead of me. Upset by that notion, she proceeded to avoid me for a couple of days. (Oh the joys of high school drama).


We ended up making up, but I always suspected that Mr. First-Love liked Ella. He and I just became more and more distant, until he finally left for Texas at the end of the summer. After he left, I received a call from Ella. She asked me if we could meet and talk about something. When we met, Ella told me about a letter she had received, from Mr. First-Love. In this letter he expressed his strong feelings for her, coupled with his knowledge that they couldn't date since he was going to the honor academy (and thus, not allowed to do so). He didn't know what her plans for or where she would be in the next year, but if she was willing and interested, he would wait for her.

Well, she wasn't interested. And she didn't wait for him, but that did become the "nail in the coffin" for Mr. First-Love and I. It was clearly over before it had begun. Too add insult to injury, a job I was going to have starting during the next school year fell through. I had to quickly find another job (lest I drive myself crazy thinking only about Mr. First-Love every day after school. At this time, Mr. MN-Nice came to my rescue. Although our friendship was a bit strange (since he had only served as a third wheel for Mr. First-Love and I), he was a very loyal person, and helped me find a different job before school began.

Thus began the next chapter in my story... Third Wheel becomes the Second.

To read the next chapter, please contribute to the conversation in the previous entry :)

No dating for a year, unless you fall in love.

Recap: Mr. First-Love and I were fast approaching my sweet sixteen, allowing me to FINALLY date him. But, alas- we both signed a "vow" at a youth conference where we declared an intention to only date God for a year.

So there it was. No relationship, not going to happen. At least not any time soon. I can't speak for him, but I know that in my mind I was hoping that we would both wait for each other through the year. After all, we had waited this long, right?

As a youth group, we were asked by our church to give a short presentation about our experiences at the youth conference. Each of us were asked if we were willing to say a few words at the beginning or end of a Sunday morning service. I'm not too keen on public-speaking, but I reluctantly agreed.

Then came that Sunday morning... I may have been the last to speak, I can't recall. But I certainly wasn't the first. The wait was horrifying, it reminded me of high school class when we were required to give a presentation. It was always best to go first, because if you were last you had to wait through everyone else's presentation in complete anxiety. Also, as time wore on, speakers were expected to improve, since they were privy to all of the constructive criticism given to previous speakers.

I listened as each of my friends gave their speech, and then it was my turn. I walked up to the microphone and explained my vow to "not date" for a year. I brought the story back to a day in December when I was working at Dairy Queen and saw one of my co-workers reading the well-known book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." I was intrigued and began to read it myself. In the book the author Joshua Harris told the story of his singleness, and gave encouragement to other young singles to serve God while they "waited" for marriage. One of the main points he set forth, was the idea that dating should not be embarked upon, until the possibility of marriage is in the horizon. Otherwise, what's the point?

Then I explained to the church how I had gone to the winter camp youth retreat a few weeks later, and heard a chapel speaker preach about a similar subject. The gist of his sermon was that idols are all over the place, and can easily distract us from seeking God with our whole hearts. He encouraged us all to "put off our idols" and seek God instead- he specifically mentioned a few idols that are common in young people our age~ gaming, friends, and boyfriends/girlfriends.

That was the second time I had felt as though I should not be dating anytime soon, but I was far too interested in Mr. First-Love to seriously consider it. The final time, was at the Acquire the Fire conference. At this conference, I explained, we were all encouraged to stand and take a vow to abstain from "dating" for an entire year. I had participated in this promise and I asked the church to pray for, support me, and hold me accountable in this area.

This "speech" that I gave is recorded somewhere, I wish I could find it, If I do, I will post it :)

So Mr. First-Love and I waited the entire year, just devoting ourselves to the Lord every single day, and a year later rode off into the sunset together, content with our strong discipline and patience.

Kidding.

Unfortunately, our "youthful affections" did not submit to our promise to only date God for a year. As soon as I turned 16, Mr. First-Love and I found ways to spend time together without calling it "dating." In fact, we never did "date" or even go on a real date, strictly-speaking. But we eagerly searched for loop holes.

Around this time, Mr. First-Love invited a new friend to attend our youth group meetings. We'll call him Mr. Minnesota-Nice. Where does this name come from, you ask? Well, even if you didn't- I'll tell you. Mr. Minnesota-Nice and I had a disagreement one afternoon where he ADAMENTLY asserted that people in Minnesota are known for their niceties. He ascertained that Minnesota drivers, shoppers, and neighbors are generally friendly people. I thought this was an absurd notion. While people in smaller cities/towns may come across as "nicer," people in Minnesota, especially Minneapolis (I argued), would NOT fit that bill. But to be fair, if anyone would fit the description of "Minnesota Nice," Mr. MN-Nice would qualify. While he was a bit ignorant and dubious at times, I can't recall that he ever did or said an unkind thing toward me. But more on him later.

This friend of Mr First-Love became our "golden ticket" to dating. I quickly became friends with Mr. MN-Nice, and he, Mr. First-Love, and I spent day after day "hanging out." And by "hanging out" it generally consisted of Mr. First-Love and I being "ooey gooey" with each other, acting completely like a couple, while Mr. MN-Nice was the obvious third wheel. We would even use Mr. MN-Nice's house as our "hang out point."

Mr. First-Love and I kept this going for a few months. One time we were being ooey gooey in front of another friend, and she referred to us as a couple. We denied being a couple (after all, we had made a promise not to do that for a year), and then we were asked about our behavior. After all, it did seem VERY "couple-ish."Mr. First-Love defended our behavior, asserting that it was okay because "we were in love."

However, this "love" wasn't very long-lasting. The next summer all things would come to an end on a youth group trip to Mexico.

Rabbit trail: I want to take a moment before moving onto the next entry, to spark a bit of conversation. What do you all think about the idea of taking a year off of dating? Wise? Unwise? Just asking for trouble? I've always found that if we think we "Can't" have something. It makes us want it all the more. I wonder if I hadn't signed that contract, whether Mr. First-Love and I would have desired to date so badly anyway. Of course, the fault is sinfulness, that's just the way we are as humans- constantly after idols.

That leads to my next question- should we really "cut ourselves off" from anything that becomes an idol? I mentioned in my previous entry that if I really tried to cut myself off from every idol, I would probably find myself in a cave with nothing. We, as people, have hearts that are "idol factories", as John Calvin put it. However, can this be taken too far? Should the potential for something to become an idol be grounds for us to renounce it? How do we do so without branching into asceticism?