Transitive Inequalities; The secret mathematical answer to finding your spouse!!!

In a brief "pause" on my story, I would like to address the concept of dating vs. courtship vs. arranged marriage vs. mail-order bride vs... is there another option?

There is a major question that often looms in many singles' minds, and it certainly did in my mind, as they approach the dating-courting-arrangedmarriage-can-we-just-get-married-and-skip-all-this world. The question is: How? How do I do this, what's the best way?

What resources are out there?

Dating books. Self-help books. TV show like the bachelor and the bachelorette. Magazines, and seminars. These will all tell you how to get married...and how to do it successfully and QUICKLY. So what's the formula? How is it done? And... in most singles' minds...can you tell me this secret formula?!?!?

The headline to this blog is "transitive inequalities." In mathematics, transitive inequalities are formulas involving equal or inequal variables where there is a transitional relationship. Example- a>b b>c therefore, a>c. There are a whole load of other mathematics equations that I know very little about such as the quadratic formula ~ a+b=c. Or we could try the reflexive property of equality~ a=a.  So the practical application- which of these formulas has the answer??!

The Complex Formula 

Realistically, in the world of "singleness", neither of these formulas seems precisely adequate. In fact, I remember the "search for the one" being more like this: Trig class at Harvard, well-known Mathematical Genius Prof So-and-so places a long equation on the board. After writing for about 15 minutes straight in a font probably equivalent to font size 10 on MS Word (Times New Roman of course) he turns to the class. "Any of you who can solve this equation by the end of the semester, will get an automatic 'A' in the course... Oh, and... it's only been solved by two people in the last 100 years. And I'm one of them."

THAT'S what searching for a spouse seems like. The unattainable, impossible formula that you're expected to figure out in all its complexity, with every variable... You spend agonizing hours and days trying to figure out the "key" to this puzzle...while you watch your friends getting married left and right. But how can this be?!? Did they figure out the formula? Not likely. They probably just stuck out the course, paid attention, and did the hard work.

So in the face of an unanswerable question, many people try to utilize every option they can to find the "secret formula." Dating books are sought to find the "5 easy steps to getting married." In fact, I conducted search in Google and quickly found the wiki "11 Steps How to Find the Ideal Mate." Futhermore, online websites like eharmony will create an "ideal profile" for you (for the cost of at least $60) where you can be matched up with the PERFECT person for you, quickly and painlessly.

Marriage VS. Singleness, Which is the shinier trophy?

 

Compiled in this desire to have a spouse, I often found that me (and many people I knew) were quite fickle about whether "it was best" to be married or better to remain single. (I think that the moments I felt I would not meet a husband, I just resigned to singleness, almost to maintain some form of dignity, not because I wanted it). When I attended university there were primarily two positions regarding relationshps (at least as far as girls were concerned). One group often held "singleness" as a trophy above all their dating and married friends, seeing that this enabled them to do so much more for God. On the other side, the married folk held their marriage as a trophy, knowing that they had "solved the formula" and could serve God "together" - which is so much better than alone.

Focus on God + Not looking for Spouse = SPOUSE!

Christian men and women may try the resources mentioned above, but often I found that they primarily sought out two things- dating books by Christian authors, such as Joshua Harris'  I Kissed Dating Goodbye, or they tried to "live more spirituality" believing that if they just "stop looking for a spouse" God will bring one right to their door. Matt Chander comedically comments on the latter (regarding women) saying that often they focusing on God while sneaking peeks out their peripheral looking for God to bring the one. Like if you pretend to be content in God, he will send you a spouse, since they are after all following the quadratic formula (Focus on God) + (No looking for spouse) = SPOUSE! - Watch here:

There are such a plethora of resources available for singles, and I haven't even covered the tip of the iceberg! The point is this- people want to get married, they want to know how, so they find themselves searching and searching for the secret formula of SUCCESS. And without further ado- the transitive-inequality "formula":

The TRANSITIVE-Inequality "Formula" 

Transitive- He is changing, She is changing, Life is changing

Transitive is a word used both for math terms, and in English Grammar. In grammar a transitive verb refers to one that requires a direct object.For example: the verb sanctify. "I sanctify" isn't a sentence. It requires an answer to- I sanctify...what? So here is the first part of our formula for the perfect spouse- God sanctifies us. It's a transitional statement. This means we are not staying the same. If we are reconciled to God via the blood of Christ on the cross, we are ever changing. Our sinful selves are dying more, and our love for and service toward God is growing more.

What does that have to do with dating? Well two things- first, focus needs to be laid upon Christ. For it is only through Him that one can be any sort of "decent" potential spouse for another person. And this is incredibly true after marriage too! Second, we need to realize we will never find "the perfect spouse." There are simply other sinners like us, reconciled to God, being sanctified. No perfect ones.

Change & contentment

The second point I'd like to loosely make regarding "transition and change" is the importance of contentment. Not contentment in being single. Not contentment in being married. But contentment in Christ, in all situations. This doesn't mean you have to be happy with your situation and circumstances, whether they are constantly changing or not. But you can be content in the Lord. The idea that you need to be totally content with a part of life before God can bring change is silly (i.e. the idea that you must be content in singleness before God will bring you a spouse). Do we do that with any other area of life?? Do you wait for contentment in "joblessness" before you search for a job? I should hope not.

Inequality, are romance stories are all unique

On to the second part of the formula: inequalities. Now, rather than address a hierarchical analogy here, I'd like to consider inequality to mean "not-the-same." We need to remember, NONE of us are the same. Me and my husband, not the same. You readers, not the same. None of us is absolutely the same, and therefore (secret revealed) there is no ONE specific formula that will definitely give us a spouse. Some of you may meet your spouse when you're soaring with God, feeling closer to him than ever totally satisfied in your singleness. Then suddenly one day, God will "drop" a spouse on your doorstep. Others of you may find a spouse when you're in a darker time, and someone comes along who assists you and encourages you. Still others may find a spouse online, at work, or in a church.

Who knows, some may find their spouse in the rain, on a train, in a tree, do you see? There is no formula, that's what I'm saying. No really listen, I'm not playing.

The NON-Formula

1. God sanctifies, and we are ever-changing. We should continue changing, and realize that the people we meet (if they are Christ's) they are ever-changing too!

2. We are all different, all unique. The way and manner in which we meet our spouses will all be different. There is not any "absolute formula" that guarantees you will find a spouse. This shouldn't be a surprise- nowhere have we been told in scripture that the providence of God will be revealed or "controlled" if we behave a certain way.

How does this help? You wasted my time!

So how does this help us? What was the point of this whole blog entry- to simply say "Sorry can't be done." Should we just all give up?

Not give up, no. Seek God, for it is he who sanctifies. And, realize that all are unique. What may work for one couple may not work for another. Be active in looking for a spouse, but don't be "expectant" of God to bow to your whim. Be open to God working in various ways, but don't expect things to work a specific way, just because a book, seminar, counselor, online article, or friend told you it worked for them. Do the hard work of the course...focus on living your life. Focus on living it for Christ. But don't think that doing either of those will automatically equal a spouse at a certain time. Also, don't hold marriage on a pedestal, don't hold singleness on a pedestal. Both are gifts, yes, most certainly. But neither are the prize, Christ is and always will be.

Furthermore,  I would like to add, echoing Matt Chandler, it is ok to want a spouse. There is nothing with that. You don't need to try to "Become content in singleness" before God will bring you a spouse. We are not meant to be content in singleness, and we are not really meant to be content in marriage either. We are meant to be content in Christ. 

Whom have I in heaven but you? And there's nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but you are my strength and my portion forevermore. Psalm 73:25-26

This may sound like I'm being simplistic. But it's simply quite true. Easy? No. True? Yes. I can vouch for a difficult journey myself, with much pain from bad relationships. While I can no longer "relate" since I'm not single, I'm sure many who read this could.

Comment to win a book:

So for the close of this blog, I'd like to ask all the married people out there to throw out some advice/thoughts- how did you meet your spouse? What helped or didn't help you? And for the single- what do you find most frustrating about your "search" and what advice do you have for fellow singles?

Also, while I did comment on "dating" and "marriage"  books as not being formulaic, I do concede that there are many Christian books which are incredibly helpful, both in the search for marriage and after marriage in assisting the couples and/or individuals in their spiritual walk and journey (whether they are "searching" or not. If you have a recommendation, please give it here. PS, this recommendation doesn't HAVE to be a "dating" or "marriage" book. It could also be one that was/is just especially helpful for you in singleness, dating, or marriage as you walk with Christ :)

Please try to respond to this post here (and not on facebook or other sites). My next post will include reference to a drawing. The names shall be taken from the comments on this post and the next one, and the winner shall receive a book (of their choice), most likely one of the ones mentioned and recommended by those who comment here.